I have allowed myself to be beaten down by life.
There…I said it.
I have seen just how much I have let this be so. How much I have given up on dreams, how I have become afraid to step back into the arena once again, in case I fall flat. Again.
How I moved to this place one micro step after another, drinking from the kool~aid of modern life, slipping into conformity, mediocrity..beige..
Simultaneously, I have seen how low my commitment has been. Yep…true..true..
Ok, ok, I am not, as it may seem, taking a baseball bat to my soul and beating me senseless over this. But the awareness is quite breathtaking, stunning even. And subtle. Most people will not see this in me…
Disappointment…kind of the music I have been playing in the background, so low that only the very clever ear can hear. All those failed expectations. But the harsh truth of recognising that I have been a walking disappointment to myself brings me to a place of pause. Especially when thinking about how I am being in the world. And what that attracts. Like to like…disappointment made more manifest. The undercurrent of a Universe that I interpreted as seeming to say no to me…for all those silly reasons.. not being enough… not being smart enough..or worthy..
…ughh…the very thought of me showing up in life from the place of disappointment/failure/life~is~hard is quite nauseating.
It is not that I have not been committed to everything, I have just not been committed to many things..really really committed. I have, in my love of creativity and rampant entrepreneurialism, thrown so many things against the wall just to see if they will stick…I will give this a go, nope…didn’t stick, how about that…nope…still not sticking…try something else. There has been a steady commitment to trying. But as Yoda says…there is no try. Do or do not.
To give myself 100%, with total commitment…well I have four consistent places that I do that….in my health and sport….as a mother…with my clients, and in my own quest towards personal mastery. In these arenas I am fierce, resolute, unwavering.
But in reference to projects and my career…no pass.
The metaphor I used with a client the other day was a sporting one…from rugby…that if you are going to tackle another player, you better be bloody committed. Not only that, you see the guy going down before you leave the ground. Nothing half arsed about it. Launch yourself believing, seeing…knowing…the outcome.
As to dreams…how can dreams come true if we don’t give it our all…clearly choose…and give it everything? I know in my running I will keep going until I am almost dead. Quitting is not an option. How did I give up on my dreams…?
Maybe a better question is…were my dreams my own? My truth? My deepest yearning? Or were they the manufactured dreams of an expectation of success in modern life?
And…..if I know how to be committed in areas of my life, and I do it so very well …why not in my work and career?
When I was speaking to Caroline Myss last year, she said to me that I needed to take more risks. I found it a strange statement, as I felt that I have always been a risk taker. But she was right. I have been playing small, and fearfully. And very lacking in focus, and commitment. Kind of like a drunk man pissing against the wall…all over the place.
Its time to clearly choose and to give my all…
I am inspired by this quote..
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly . . .”Theodore Roosevelt
It is time to dare greatly. And throw myself into the arena.