A month ago….I made a vow to no longer have fear rule my life.
Fear is not a bad thing. It is very good to have when you are being chased by crocodiles. But to have it become the background fabric of your existence is not very useful, or healthy.
I have often thought of Victor Frankl, author of A Man’s Search for Meaning, and survivor of Auschwitz. While I simply cannot begin to comprehend the type of environmental conditions he lived under, I use his life as an example of the ability to transcend pervasive, long term fear. I am guessing people who have been diagnosed with a very serious illness may know this fear in their own way. I am daily reading Mark Nepo’s beautiful “Book of Awakening” which is a day book written as a result of a ten year cancer challenge. Such great art and poetry often comes from the depth of fear and darkness. It reminds me that beauty is found everywhere, if we but look.
What I have learned in this process over the last month, in no particular order.
*I had to catch myself in the moments of fear. This required vigilance and the ability to self observe, to be witness to my own process. A constant practice towards personal mastery in any form. And personal integrity.
*I had to find something to switch to when I became present to my fear. After trial and error, I found the right emotion and feeling. “I feel so lucky” was the switch that worked best for me. Lucky is a feeling I am cultivating.
*I found myself feeling into ‘lucky’ as a mantra. It has had an immediate affect of lifting me to a lighter place. I say it maybe a thousand times a day…on some days.
*I also examined my fear by sitting in an inquiry of what I was afraid of…
Going down this rabbit hole lead all the way to a disconnection/abandonment by God/great spirit. And of course, this is not true. Feeling lucky immediate reconnects me. As does ensuring my heart is open and not contracted. Or the simple act of watching a bird in the tree in my courtyard.
*In my daily practice I have two small but key visualisations that I use. One, to imagine a stream of golden light enter my head and fill my body, my being, my every cell, and then flow through me, a constant source of infinite supply. I love this practice as it reminds me daily that there is indeed an infinite supply. When I was walking on the beach the other day, as the sun peaked over the Pacific, I felt the infinite supply of sunlight, and all of its contribution to my aliveness. There is no scarcity. Life affirms this when we truly see it.
The other practice is to remember who I really am. During a guided meditation with energetic coach Emily Gendron, she had me meet my essential self. Given that I am a highly visual person, I can see her now. She is light, joy and beauty. And did I mention, about 10 feet tall! I forget the truth of who I am most of the time, so remembering as a practice is a good thing, one moment at a time. She is definitely worth remembering.
*I have been in action. Fear is a good motivator. I would prefer a different motivation. The time is now to choose that I be motivated by desire and passion, rather than by fear. This is my next level of development. To this end I am really connecting to my deepest desire of expression. Hard to find this when fear has been the constant.
I have crafted 3 keynotes speeches, and landed 3 confirmed speeches to date, but likely 5 or more. I have been going to networking functions and meeting really great people. As an introvert, it is easy for me to stay IN. But I need to get out. Intuitively I know that I need to get out a whole lot more….this is the threshold between what we know is right, and our own smallness. In our internet age it is very easy to hide behind the web/social media etc.
My work is out/it is live/it is speaking and working with groups of people. I have resisted this for a long time.
I am, slowly but surely, stepping into my purpose and path, which is to restore integrity to humanity. I forget just how important this is.
I am working on a community project around kindness and plenty.
And a few other things…massive work on the Positive Deviant web site…crafting some new products…including a series of free audio interviews with Artisans of Integrity.
I do feel that something deep has shifted. I will not allow myself to fall into the dark of fear like this again. I know how to stop it.
I feel that the world has opened to me, because I have opened to it.
I feel lucky.