Often I have wondered why I am still single as I approach my half century. I’ll admit that the older I get the less I worry about the why and the more I observe my single state with fascination. I do not have any peculiar habits (other than running long distances quite regularly very early in the morning), I am smart, independent, successful, happy, reasonably attractive.
I do believe in the principle of Synergy. That 1 plus 1 in the right conditions equals at least 5, or 10 or 1000… Take two people in Synergy and they create a result by their being together that far outweighs how much they could achieve or be as individuals. Synergy is the mystery of alchemy. We never know what we are going to get, and when we get much more than the single identities when taken on their own, we have great Synergy.
A partnership without Synergy working would be quite pointless, business or personal.
We have to be greater with the addition of the other, or lets not play.
I also understand the male female polarities. Inherent in our intrinsic design is this singularity that comes from the duality of a man and woman together. The Yin and Yang. (In same sex partnership, one partner usually carries the masculine in some roles and the other the feminine.)
As a female, and a Positive Deviant finding her way in the brave new world, I, and many women like me, have a job to do. And that is to forge the pathways for a new way to be in relationship in the world.
(Indeed, we have to forge a pathway about how to be a woman and a man in the brave new world.)
Our old models, such as marriage, are no longer viable in their current form.
Implied in marriage even today when the statistics are so obviously pointing in the other direction, is a belief in forever. Partners for life!
In my recent article, Forever Beta, I raise the possibility of us needing to embrace the model of forever beta in all aspects of our life. That we are constantly unfolding, and the more aware we are, the more open to learning we are, the faster we unfold.
To imagine two people unfolding at the same speed, and in the same direction, for 20-30-40 years is quite the jackpot.
Anyone who thinks we can come together as two people and stay together for a lifetime is struggling with some serious illusions. I am not saying it is impossible, I am saying it is a rare exception. Like winning the lottery.
Certainly put it on your list of things to do if it means that much to you, and recognise that you may also be wise to surrender your attachment or need to have this kind of relationship, otherwise you may end up spending a lifetime being disappointed.
Far better to stay present and give up any forever. Concentrate on navigating today. Enjoy the day, love the moment, be happy with now. It takes serious work to do just this yet alone create a relationship that lasts forever.
Also implied in marriage is the role dynamic of wife and husband. Again these are old archetypes. The current and future world is challenging the heck out of them. We simply must find new ways to support each other in partnership that has a dynamic element to it.
In regards to raising children, maybe if we considered at the outset, prior to the birth of any children, there is a high possibility that we will not be together for the full time of their childhood, we would have different levels of dialogue before we choose children. We may look at our financial models, our housing and domestic arrangements with a different light. The subject of children makes these new models more tricky, and I am not sure what the solution will look like. I do know that we must consider a transition model that includes exploring the eventualities of the partnership not staying in a marriage or cohabiting form.
Here am I and other mature single women around the world coming to terms with singularity.
I know that I seek union and connection with ultimate Love. I am clear that I am not only after the love that comes between a man and a woman, for I have learned through experience of the transience nature of this love. I have hungered, like I believe at a soul level we all hunger, for the union with the divine. The eternal union, the one that the great poets and mystics write about in ecstasy.
As Rumi writes..
There is some kiss
with the whole
of our lives…
I have longed for this union. One might say I stay single because nothing else measures to this, which is very unfair on men. I seek something that no mortal can provide. Yet I also suspect that one pathway to the divine is through human love. I glimpse this in the love I have for my daughter, and for my dog.
Again as Rumi says
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere
they’re in each other all along…
I walk the difficult path, and we cut new ground. One of my archetypes is the pioneer, and as Meg Wheatley said, its lonely getting to the future first. That is not to say others have not broken the rules and gone before. Many women over the centuries have indeed gone before. Some of them saints and mystics, others regular women like me.
Our job, while still largely to be revealed, is to lay down tracks for new pathways of relationships.
We hold the space that allows the old model to crack. There is nothing wrong with us. We simply cannot fit the old model of marriage and wife.
Most men find strong single women somewhat intimidating because we do not need them to fulfill the old roles.
We are supporting the creation of a new way for men to be in the world and in partnership. We all get to explore the multiple options and possibilities that are available the moment we take the old sacred cows like marriage off the table.
Would I like my life to be different? Sometimes. It can get lonely, and it is certainly not easy. Neither is being married!
Would I like a male partner? Yes. And I do not discount the possibility of this happening. I would suspect that if it does, it will be a wise and mature relationship, where there is a comfort with most of our old stereotypes being abolished or simply not present. And where neither of us doubts that we are together to find greater depth and connection to the divine through the expression of our love.
Or even more simply, to share great experiences, laugh a lot, be besties together…without the rigid expectations of our collective relationship history.
I’ll keep you posted..